Since the dawn of time, humankind has taken two or more things that go at relatively the same speed and bet some kind of valuable on what thing would go the fastest. Usually, those things are something that’s relatively fast: cars, horses, camels, ostriches, sometimes rollercoasters… but that’s not innovative enough, say the bold minds at Sawyers Cantina in Harrisburg. That’s way too blasé, too ordinary, too expected. The people demand more from their racing.
Enter the turtle races. Yes, that’s right: turtle races.
Hope you and your reptilian friend have been training. Tonight, champions will be made and dreams will be broken. Bring your high hopes and your intrepid turtle racer to Sawyers – or borrow a turtle from the nice staff – and race your way to turtle fame. Of course, all this racing’s going to be hard work, even if you’re not the one crossing the finish line, so be sure to fill up on their jumbo snow crab legs. They’ll be $7.99 a pound, and they’ll be around all night. If you’re lucky and your turtle manages to outrun – or, well, outcrawl – the others, you’ll take home the $100 cash prize. That’ll pay for at least a solid month of turtle track star camp.
And what if you don’t have any luck? What if you have to trudge home, turtle box in hand, without that coveted first place? Well, get right back to training, kid: this is going to be a weekly event. Shake your opponents’ hands, or paws, or … whatever turtles have, and tell ‘em you’ll see them next Thursday.