Comedian Jim Florentine recently got divorced. But don’t feel too bad though for the crank-yankin’ comedian; his divorce has generated lots of new material for his stand-up routine (which you can see at Stitches Comedy Club in Lancaster on July 10 and 11).
Now it’s been a few years since Florentine was last single, and things have changed on the dating scene. We asked Florentine about online dating and the conversation turned to the topic of Tinder. Read the excerpt below as a primer for our full Q&A in the upcoming July issue.
Mike Andrelczyk: When you were single before did you take part in the online dating scene?
Jim Florentine: No I never did.
MA: What do you think about it?
JF: I don’t know. I’m just slowly getting into it. Now I’m going on these dating sites, like Tinder, and every chick on there is like “I love the outdoors.” Wow, what a shock! Who doesn’t like the outdoors? Or [they say] “Wine, Live, Love, Laugh.” Ok, I don’t see you laughing too much. Every time I see you you’re cranky and in a bad mood. Why don’t you pay attention to that sign you hung in your kitchen. But every chick has the same rap. It’s “the outdoors,” “live, love, laugh,” “the beach” and “I like to drink wine.” Wow. You really went out on a limb there. Every picture, chicks are either skydiving or shooting a gun. Great, that’s what I want…
MA: Yeah, like all they do is skydive and shoot guns.
JF: Yeah, I want a chick that knows how to shoot a gun. I’ll piss her off and she shoots me in my sleep. That’s awesome. Yeah, I’m going to contact you.
MA: So you swipe the other way on the gun photos?
JF: Yeah, you shoot a gun and that’s five seconds out of your life. The rest of the time you’re a woman that’s going to be like, “We never go anywhere.”
MA: (Laughs) And she knows how to shoot.
JF: Yeah, exactly. [In a feminine voice] “You know we just haven’t done anything in a while and last night I wanted to cuddle and you turned me down for sex because you were tired.” All right.
MA: What’s your Tinder bio?
JF: I wrote: “Never been arrested. I have a driver’s license, a car and a job.”
MA: That’s perfect.
JF: I put I’m six foot one, too. I was talking to some chick and she was like, “I need to know more about you.” I was like, “Do you want me to fax my driver’s license over to you.” [Girls are] going on for like three days [on Tinder] like “What do you do? Where do you live?” and this and that. What else do you need to know? It’s not like I’m telling you to come over to my house and you’re sleeping over and we’re hanging out with Bill Cosby. Then you go “No, I need to know more about you.”
Jim Florentine performs three shows at Stitches Comedy Club (2300 Lincoln Highway East, Lancaster) on July 10 and 11. $20. 21+. Click here for tickets.